Severus Snape, Sexy Slytherin
by Zedd
Summary: Our beloved Potions Master decides that he wants to be "sexy." How will Hogwarts react? A little differently than he expected. (A parody on all cliched Snape romances).
1. Default Chapter

Body

Chapter One of Severus Snape, Sexy Slytherin 

Disclaimer: Harry Potter regretfully does not belong to me. All the characters in this belong to JK Rowling. The plot is mine, and however many other people have written Snape romances in which he "gets his act together", I don't think any of those were quite like this one. Of course, I may be wrong, as I have not had the time to read all the Snape romances on ff.net. 

A/n: This story stems from my general dislike of cliched Snape romances. That, of course, is not to say that all Snape romances are cliched, or that I hate them all. Two of my favorite stories at ff.net have been Snape romance fics, (actually, most of them do feature Snape/Slytherins ;). Also, I generally have no problem with the Snape being paired with students, teachers, or new characters, as long this is done originally, and he is at least a small amount in character. Okay, enough apologizing. I am extremely sorry to any readers that will be offended when you read this. I don't mind flames, as long as they are constructive. I do apologize if most of the characters seem out of character, but I did most of this on purpose. Keep in mind, the genre of this story is humor. Oh well, enjoy dear readers! 

A/n II: This is a REPOST! My apology to all of you who attempted to read this last time. What the heck happened??? *Clenches fist and glares at computer.* Well, I hope everyone will like the actual story better than "wordpro". Again, I'm extremely sorry. 

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Professor Severus Snape was sitting morosely at his desk, glaring at a bottle of Wizard's Shampoo and Conditioner. "For a new, vibrant look, try our new brand. Guaranteed to clean and soften hair." It had been "thoughtfully" given to him as a Christmas "present" by Minerva McGonagall three weeks earlier, and had been bothering him since. _Insufferable woman!_ Severus thought to himself, and grimaced. He was tired of the hygiene jokes from the students, and occasionally the staff. Believe it or not Snape did take showers, even if it wasn't as often as most others. _Did it ever cross their puny minds that perhaps my hair is naturally oily? But looks aren't everything._ He began to smirk, and his sneer grew more pronounced. _ Look at that git Lockhardt. That man characterizes a "dumb blond."_

He sighed, and ran his hands through his hair in a gesture of irritation. That annoying voice in the back of his head, representing a small part of himself, began complaining. _At least people don't stand at least a meter away from Lockhardt when in public. You could stop the whispers, the insults behind your back..._

_As if I would care to be associated with anyone at this school. Besides Albus, that is, but he is a true friend. It's not like my state of hygiene has everything to do with the insults._ Snape's sneer, cold manner, biased attitudes, and his infamous line "Ten points from Gryffindor!", caused him to be the most feared and hated teacher at Hogwarts. _ It's not like those Gryffindors are perfect either, however hard they pretend to be. I have better things to do than look after my appearance, unlike some._

The voice paused, as if considering what he had said. _Just for one day. It can't hurt to try. What, is the rumor that you're allergic to water true?_

Snape sighed, and let his head rest in his hands. _All right, all right! I'll try to improve my appearance. Happy?_

The "voice" didn't reply, but Severus could tell it was smirking in a "told you so" type of manner. _ It could be worse_, Snape thought, attempting to console himself. _I could be forced to tutor Longbottom._ He shuddered at the thought. _Thankfully, Albus is more merciful than that._

Snape snatched the shampoo bottle from his desk, and strode through his living quarters into his personal bathroom. He yanked open the shower door, and began to cough as a cloud of dust surrounded him. The white floor tiles were spotted with mildew, and rust covered the faucets. _ Why do I have to do this every time I take a shower?_ With a simple cleaning charm the stall was rust and mildew free, well, relatively so. 

Snape carefully placed the bottle of shampoo, as well as a bar of soap, on a small, rickety shower rack that looked as if it would collapse any minute. He discarded his robes, which lay in a heap on the green tiled floor, and turned on the water. Not even bothering to check the temperature, he stepped under the torrent. 

_Slytherin's wand, it's **cold**!_ Snape rolled his eyes. _ It's not like I need a cold shower or anything._ Oh, right, he'd forgotten to turn on the hot water. After thoroughly washing his hair, and himself, Snape turned off the water, and stepped out of the shower, grabbing a fluffy, green towel in the process. He shook his dark hair several times, causing water droplets to coat the mirror as well as the bathroom walls. Then he scrubbed his hair clean, and dried himself. Snape pulled out a pair of midnight black, silk boxers, as well as a yet another one of his nondescript, deep black robes, and a long, black cloak with a silver snake clasp from the wardrobe next to his canopy bed. Severus dressed quickly, gathered his old robes from the bathroom, and put them in a small wooden basket in the corner, where a house elf would pick them up the following morning. 

The Potions Master walked over to the bedroom mirror that hung above his oak cabinet, which was filled with rare potions and ingredients, (yes, he had one of those as well as a shower, and it was **not **cracked), and peered curiously into it. His raven black hair was clean, and had a soft texture, but he decided he was long overdue for a haircut. Pulling out a pair of scissors normally used for disemboweling small animals for potions ingredients, he began to cut. He trimmed the ends of his hair, and brushed it towards his scalp. After careful consideration, Severus cut a few locks of hair above his forehead a bit shorter than the rest, so that they fell across his eyes in what he hoped was a "sexy" manner. 

Snape once again looked into his mirror. _ This must be a record for number of times I've looked at my reflection. Dear Slytherin, I hope I don't become like that miserable twit Lockhardt_. His skin was clean, although extremely pale from lack of sunlight. A quick spell removed the plaque on his teeth, and he attempted to smile charmingly. Needless to say, he did not succeed. Snape's face twisted, then settled itself back into his customary sneer. He attempted again. This time it looked more like a grimace than a smile. After ten minutes, the best Severus could do was not sneer, for about half a minute. _All right then, I can still be sexy without a charming smile, right? Tall, dark, and mysterious..._he chuckled to himself as he realized how pathetic this whole escapade was. 

A firm knock interrupted his thought. _ Who the hell would disturb be at this hour? I didn't give any detentions today, did I?_ Snape paused, then began to swear as he recollected his appointment with Minerva to discuss the Quidditch Timetables for the second half of the season. Self consciously he glanced into the mirror one last time, then walked into his office, closing his bedroom door behind him. Snape seated himself at his desk, and began grading papers, or at least appeared as if he had been grading papers for quite some time now. 

"Come in," he called, now composed and his typically sarcastic self. 

The doorknob turned, and Minerva McGonagall hesitantly opened the door and peered inside. Her eyes roamed the office and passed by Severus. She did a double take, and froze as she saw Severus sitting innocently at his desk. Her eyes bulged slightly, and she froze. "Severus?" 

Snape raised an eyebrow. _I don't look that much worse, do I?_ He sat, waiting for Minerva to continue. She merely stood, still gaping at him. "If you're done staring, Minerva..." 

McGonagall flushed, and closed her mouth. "I...I like your haircut Severus." She walked over, and sat down in a chair placed in front of his desk, eyes never leaving Snape. 

_I wonder if she would continue staring at me if I began pacing around the room? _He rolled his eyes as Minerva sat, pretending not to be sneaking glances at him. _ Earth to McGonagall._ "About the timetables..." 

Minerva seemed to awaken from her reverie. "Oh, yes, the timetables. For the second half of the season Gryffindor would like use of the field Monday, Wednesday, and Friday from six o'clock to eight o'clock, and one to three o'clock on Saturday and Sunday." 

"You can have the field from six to eight on Monday and Friday. On Wednesday take the field from six thirty to seven thirty. One to three on Saturday and Sunday is fine. Slytherin will take the field from six to eight Tuesday and Thursday, seven thirty to eight thirty on Wednesday, and six thirty to eighty thirty on Saturday and Sunday. Agreed?" 

"Yes, that's fine with me. If there are any changes I will be sure to inform you." Minerva made no move to rise, apparently unaware the conversation was at an end. 

_What's wrong with her today? It's not because of me, is it? No...that's absurd. And yet..._

"If you'll excuse me Minerva, I have papers to grade." Severus picked up his quill, and glanced at the stack of pop quizzes he had given his fifth year Slytherins and Gryffindors today. 

Minerva seemed to come out of a daze. "Sorry for disturbing you. I think...I think I'll go see Albus." 

Snape watched her hasty exit._ Well, it seems my "new look" does seem to have some type of affect. Good or bad, I'm not sure..._

Minerva McGonagall was making her way towards the Headmaster's office, muttering to herself. "Severus...don't know what happened...he looks..." She arrived at the stone gargoyle guarding the staircase. "Chocolate Frogs." _He really needs to get a new type of password. All a student would have to do is name types of candy!_

The gargoyle sprung to life and swung aside, revealing a wooden, moving staircase. Minerva stepped on after a second of hesitation, and after a few moments arrived at a polished oak door with a brass nameplate reading 'Headmaster's Office.' She appeared nervous, but knocked firmly. 

"Come in Minerva," Albus Dumbledore's voice called cheerily from the other side of the door. 

She turned the brass doorknob hesitantly, and cautiously peered around the door, in case Albus had also decided a sudden change was in order. _ Albus, drop dead gorgeous. _ She chuckled to herself at the thought. _Then again, who thought Severus could be so...handsome._

Albus was sitting at his desk, feet propped up on the corner, eating what appeared to be lemon drops. He gave her a curious look, concerned. "What, do I have something on my face?" 

_Besides that nose..._

"No," she replied. 

"What a relief. Now, to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?" Albus motioned her to one of the chairs placed in front of his disorganized desk. Parchment, quills, bottles of ink, and books were scattered across the oak surface. The only clear space was where Albus had propped his legs in the bottom left corner. Minerva sat in the hard, wooden chair Albus had indicated, feeling much like an embarrassed school girl about to confess something to the headmaster. 

"Well, it's about Severus..." She trailed off uncertainly. 

Albus sighed. "I know he's not the most sociable person, but after all he's been through...what has he done this time? Taken more than a hundred points from Gryffindor in a day-" 

"It's not that, Albus. I showed up at his office to discuss the Quidditch timetables, and he looked...." Minerva paused, trying to find an appropriate phrase to describe how Severus had looked. Albus smiled encouragingly. "...sexy." The headmaster sat upright in shock, stared at her with wide, incredulous blue eyes, then began to cough loudly. 

"Albus, are you all right?" Minerva appeared concerned. _Almost nothing ever surprises Albus._

The Headmaster coughed loudly one last time, and massaged his throat. "I'm fine, Minerva," he replied weakly. "You gave me quite a shock. I choked momentarily on a lemon drop. Severus...sexy?" 

"That was my response also. I suppose you must see him to believe it." 

The shock had not left Dumbledore's face. "Sexy was the last word I expected you to use when describing Severus. I'm afraid I still don't quite understand what you mean, Minerva." 

"Severus's looks have changed quite a bit. He's done something with his hair; it's clean, and the texture reminds one of silk. His skin isn't as sallow, although he is extremely pale, but this creates a nice contrast between his hair..." 

Dumbledore cleared his throat before Minerva went off on a complete tangent. "Fascinating. Has anything else other than his appearance changed?" 

Minerva considered for a second. "If you mean he's been caught frolicking through a field, handing out points to Gryffindor, then no. Severus is still his glaring, sarcastic self. Somehow, though, the sarcasm is almost...appealing." 

Albus frowned, and leaned back in his velvet, cushioned seat. "Most interesting. Thank you for informing me. I will consider this new development most carefully." Albus sighed, suddenly tired, and made a gesture in the general direction of the door. "Good night Minerva." His eyes twinkled, and he appeared amused. "Pleasent dreams." 

"Good night Albus," Minerva replied stiffly as she rose from the chair. _See, that wasn't too difficult_, she thought as she turned the brass doorknob. _Poor Albus nearly had a heart attack when I told him. Even Sibyl never "predicted" something like this. I am extremely curious to see the school's reaction._ Her mouth perked upwards in a slight smile. _ That will be something worth seeing._

After Minerva had left, Albus let his chin rest tiredly in his hands, elbows upon the desk. He began to message his throbbing temples. The Headmaster had enough to worry about with Voldemort having risen, that idiot Fudge at the ministry, having to run Hogwarts, and now Minerva had brought him extremely alarming news. Well, at least he had been forewarned. Albus smiled to himself._ This will better enhance my reputation of knowing everything that happens in the castle._ While it was impossible to know everything that was going on in Hogwarts, Albus knew a great deal more than most. 

_Now, should I go visit Severus or not? Perhaps I shouldn't, poor Sev will have enough people ogling at him tomorrow_. Albus removed his half moon spectacles, and placed them in front of him on the desk, rubbing his tired eyes. Suddenly, an odd smile lit Dumbledore's face. _ Severus Snape, sexy...who would have thought?_

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A/n II: I promise, it will be more humor based next chapter. So...did you like it? Hate it? Think I should go jump off a remote bridge somewhere? It was a lot of fun to write, and I hope none of you take this personally. It wasn't meant to be. I love dear Severus, but he is too easy to make fun of...^_^. 

Tune in next chapter for: Hogwart's reaction, Potions classes, Snape groupies, and a meeting with our favorite Dark Lord, Voldemort! 


	2. Snape's too sexy for Hogwarts...

Chapter Two of Severus Snape, Sexy Slytherin 

Disclaimer: Severus Snape and all the characters of Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling, not me. Also, Ron's quote about Snape getting all sarcastic is taken from Men at Arms by Terry Pratchett. Good book; the Patrician reminds me a lot of Severus. Anyway, the special edition Death Eater clock does belong to me. If you're interested in it, say so in your review and I'll consider selling it to the highest bidder. I am not making any profit out of this story. It's merely for my own amusement, (and, hopefully, yours). 

A/N: First of all, I apologize for posting this so late! Many of you probably don't even remember what was in Chapter One. Ah, well, we shall not go into the hell that is my life. Plus, I've rewritten this chapter about ten times. Anyways, I would just like to thank everyone who reviewed Chapter One, even those of you who reviewed when there really wasn't a story posted (minor technical error folks!). This chapter will focus on what the students and staff of Hogwarts feel about Severus's "new look," and how he deals with their reaction. Read, review, and, most of all, enjoy! 

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"VOLDEMORT HAS JUST BEEN AWARDED THE TITLE OF"SEXIEST MAN ALIVE" IN LATEST FASHION SHOW!" A shrill voice echoed around the room, piercing the silence. 

Suddenly the occupant of the canopy bed opened his coal black eyes in shock and sat up slowly, black silk sheets falling to his waist. His pale, toned arms and the lean, hard stomach would surprise most of his students with their fitness. The man yawned, pushed aside the drapes, and surveyed the room with barely opened dark eyes. 

Silver curtains, normally draped around the bed, are now gathered at the bedposts, on which carvings of serpents coil around the polished wooden posts. The color scheme of this room seems to be green, silver, and mostly black, and the only representations of nature are the numerous serpent carvings. An expensive black cauldron sits in one corner. In another corner a magical (it always stayed in tune) antique violin stands, accompanied by a tall musical stand and several books filled with classical violin pieces. Rich, ancient tapestries hang from the ceiling and adorn the bleak, stone walls. Covering the floor is a plush, black carpet. A large cedar bookshelf, filled with both Muggle and Magical literature, stands against one stone wall. A locked wooden cabinet, which held rare, as well as extremely dangerous, potions and ingredients, (as well at items Severus had absentmindedly placed in there and promptly forgotten), decorated the same wall as the bookshelf. Above it hangs a golden framed mirror, (which seemed out of place in the Gothic bedroom, and was obviously not put there by the present inhabitant). On the opposite wall is a large marble fireplace. Decorating its mantel are two silver candle holders, again decorated by winding serpents, in which two thick green candles had been placed. A plush leather armchair sat in front of the fire. It was, of course, black. 

After a few moments of profuse yawning and eye blinking, the man's gaze fell upon the still shrieking magical alarm clock, which stood on a small table next to the canopy bed. 

"VOLDEMORT-" 

With a groan Severus Snape shut off the alarm. _ What a wonderful thing to wake up to every morning. I think it's time for a new message. _ After a few moments of careful consideration, he decided on a suitably nasty one. Snape tapped the clock with his wand, and changed the alarm to "Harry Potter has just been named king of the world, and for his first act our king has outlawed all forms of potion making. Long live the king!" He smirked. _ Now this will definitely cause me to wake up on time._

Removing his wand from under the pillow, he reactivated the alarm spell for six o'clock the next morning. _Wait, six o'clock? I don't usually wake up until at least six thirty, at least when I take the potion. _Severus looked at the clock, worried. It was six in the morning. _ Oh right, I have to take another shower. _He sighed in irritation and ran a hand through his dark hair. _Being sexy takes quite a lot of work._

Yawning, he placed his wand next to the small clock on the bedside table and reluctantly swung his feet off the bed and stood up. He lazily stretched and grabbed a black bathrobe to throw over his boxers. Severus padded across the carpet to the oak door that connected to his bathroom. He paused, (which was unusual, since Severus wasn't usually an indecisive person), and the small voice in the back of his head said, _Are you sure you want to do this?_

Severus raised an eyebrow. _ Weren't you just telling me yesterday what a great idea this is? _ When the voice did not reply, he shrugged. _Too late now. I'm not changing, just my appearance. I won't have any fits of happiness or-_ he shuddered at the though- _kindness. It will be worth it to see Albus have an apoplectic fit. _ His lips turned upwards in a smile, or what can be loosely termed a smile for a lack of a more appropriate phrase in the English language. This fight with his reason over, Severus stepped into the bathroom, an act that would change his life forever, (well, at least for a day or two). 

Seven fifteen found the Potions Master carefully combing his hair. In the cabinet he had found an extremely dusty bottle of cologne, probably a present from some time in the past. When he was apparently satisfied with his hair, he placed the comb down and dubiously looked at the small bottle of cologne. Severus picked it up and put a bit on his hand, then cautiously sniffed it. _Well, it doesn't smell...terrible. _ He carefully applied a small amount to his person, and glanced at the clock. _ Seven eighteen? Dammit, by the time I get to the Great Hall everyone will already be eating breakfast!_ (This was, of course, the author's point; a dramatic entrance.) He hurriedly grabbed his wand from the bedside table, took one last look in the mirror, and dramatically swept out of the room (quite unconsciously and with a natural grace), locking the doors (and placing various hexes on them) behind him. 

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"Minerva, I don't see Severus this morning." 

"He may just be late." 

Albus Dumbledore peered at her over his half moon glasses. "Severus Snape is almost never late." 

_How should I know what Severus is doing at seven twenty in the morning? _"Yes, Severus is a very punctual person. Perhaps he, er, overslept?" 

Albus raised a skeptical eyebrow. "I highly doubt it, but it _is _possible." He turned to Professor Grace, the beautiful (blond, witty, charming, etc.) DATDA professor. "Mary (Sue), would you be so kind as to pass me the sugar?" 

Proffessor McGonagall sighed. _I do hope Severus shows up. I get the feeling Albus didn't quite believe me last night. Not that I blame him, of course. Severus, sexy? _ She shuddered, and not just with horror. _As long as You-Know-Who doesn't start volunteering at Muggle charities I think we'll be okay._

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"I still can't believe Slytherin beat Ravenclaw!" 

Harry Potter shrugged as he reached for a piece of toast. "Malfoy actually caught the Snitch for once. It's a new world record. They did get two new chasers, who actually have a small amount more skill than muscle. Still, with our talent and all that extra practice"-he made a face-"we'll cream them. Our new keeper will have no problem with their Chasers, right Hermione?" He addressed the question to the brown haired girl sitting next to him, who was staring fixedly at her Charms book and pouring fruit punch into her porridge. 

Hermione Granger looked up distractedly at the unwelcome interruption in her last minute studies. "What keeper?" She put the fruit punch down, looked at her porridge, and instead grabbed a piece of toast. Ron threw her a hurt look. "I was _joking _Ron! I _know_ you're the keeper, you've talked about nothing else for the past month or so! Anyway, is Quidditch all you two think about?" 

Harry and Ron exchanged a bemused glance. "Is school work all _you _think about?" Ron countered. "Really, you've brought your Charms book to breakfast!" 

Hermione snorted. "Unlike _some people_, I wanted to do some last minute studying for the exam today." 

"Yeah, just what I-" Ron paused, and swallowed nervously. "An exam, today? Um, Hermione, friend, would you mind if I borrowed that?" 

Hermione tried not to laugh. "Of course you can Ron." She handed him her book, and poured herself a glass of orange juice. 

Harry rolled his eyes at his friend's behavior. "Perhaps we should brew you an anti-forget fullness potion." 

"Yeah, yeah." Ron waved a distracted hand, eyes glued to the textbook. "I only have fifteen minutes left. We've got Charms after Double Potions." 

"Well, you _could_ try studying in Potions." 

Hermione looked up from her breakfast, shocked. "Harry, he can't do that! Think about how much trouble he could get in! And what if he misses something important?" 

"Something important, in Snape's class?" Harry smiled slightly at the look on her face. "Yes, Hermione, I know all the subjects we study are very important." Hermione nodded and looked appeased. "Except for Potions, that is. When are we _ever_ going to use some of the stuff Snape teaches us? Oh, hello Mr. Death Eater, please don't kill me right now, I can recite the ingredients of a Paralysis potions." 

Hermione opened her mouth to answer, but Ron finally looked up from the book and cut in. "Studying in Snape's class? Are you mad?" Harry didn't reply. "You know how Snape gets when people do other work in his class. He gets all," here Ron shuddered, "_sarcastic. _Then again, I guess I don't have much of a choice. If he catches me and goes berserk, at least send what's left of me to my parents for a decent burial." 

Hermione calmly took a sip of her juice and was staring at the entrance to the Great Hall (mentally running over the material one last time) when she suddenly spit out the mouthful all over her fruit punch covered porridge. 

"Harry, Ron," she said out of the corner of her mouth, still not taking her eyes from the entrance. "Professor Snape, he, he..." 

The two boys suddenly realized that it had suddenly become very quiet. They turned and saw the Potions Master leaning casually against the door frame and gazing at the Hall with an unreadable expression in his midnight black eyes. Harry gasped, and Ron's eyes bulged. 

Ron was the first to break the silence. He leaned slowly towards Harry and carefully kept his voice to a low whisper. "Can someone tell me what the bloody hell happened to Snape?" 

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_Amazing, _Severus thought. _For once the entire student body is silent. _He looked around the hall, noticing the stares and gasps from the students as well as the staff. _ Score one for Severus. _Only two people were not staring at him in blank wonder. Their gazes held something closer to approval. _Minerva and Albus...go figure. _His gaze met Albus's for a second, and he noticed an odd twinkle in the other man's clear blue eyes (ie not the usual odd twinkle Albus must have spent hours perfecting,) and a crafty smile on his face. Severus frowned. _I'm not sure I like the looks of that..._

After standing in the doorway for what seemed like hours (well, actually this is untrue; but hours sound much more dramatic than seconds) Severus slowly made his way toward his usual seat at the staff table. All the students turned their heads to watch his progress, and suddenly whispers broke out across the Hall. 

"What happened to Snape?" 

"I didn't know he was so handsome!" 

"I think he's an impostor. Snape would never go near a shower, much less a pair of scissors!" 

"Maybe it's some sort of prank." 

"That's it! Someone put the Imperious curse on him and _made _him wash his hair!" 

"Why would anyone risk Azcaban just to do a stupid thing like that?" 

"We've got the best looking Head of House." 

"Wow, he's really sexy. For a Professor, that is." 

Snape shook his head sadly as he took his seat at the table. He was sitting in his usual place, between Albus and the DATDA teacher. _What's her name again? Oh yes, Professor Grace. Mary Grace. _He gave her a quick sideways glance. She batted her eyelashes at him and smiled in an (at least she thought so) appealing manner. Snape quelled the urge to be sick. _Can't stand the woman. She's too...nice. And perfect. And a Gryffindor if I ever saw one._ He risked a glance up and down the staff table. _At least the professors have the grace not to talk about me like I'm not there. Their manners seem to end there though. _Many were staring at him like he had just announced he had just proposed to Potter or done something equally ridiculous and out of character. A few of the more subtle staff members (the ex-Slytherins and ex-Ravenclaws) were shooting glances at him when they thought he wasn't looking. _I've never gotten so much non-hostile attention._

Severus calmly poured himself a cup of tea and scowled into the depths of the murky brown liquid. _I hope they don't think I've gone under some type of reformation just because I altered my appearance. _ A voice interrupted his glaring match with the cup of tea. 

"Severus, would you mind passing me the sugar?" 

He turned to look at Albus Dumbledore, who was sitting with an innocent expression on his face. Snape nodded slightly and reached for the blue china sugar cup on the table between him and Grace. He handed the cup to Albus, who began spooning sugar into his tea. 

The Headmaster began speaking softly to him, still spooning sugar. "Mary was about to pass me the sugar, but she became somewhat-" he smiled, and coughed slightly, "-distracted at your arrival." Albus turned to him and looked him up and down. _This is too close to the undressing-with-eyes look for comfort. _"Understandably, of course." He handed the sugar to Minerva and took a sip of his tea, his attention (seemingly) no longer focused upon Snape. 

Severus resisted the urge to utter a puzzled "What do you mean by that?". _ Was **Albus **just trying to hit on me? _Severus shook his head vehemently, (mentally, of course. Many by now probably doubted his sanity; muttering and shaking his head would not help matters). His mind rebelled at the idea that had just been introduced to it. _He was most likely merely stating his approval of the fact that I am "cleaning myself up." Yes, that was it. _

The Potions Master ate breakfast quickly, wanting to be out of the Great Hall as soon as possible. _It's very disconcerting having so many peoples' attentions focused on you. Well, at least no one has called me any annoying and strangely sentimental nicknames. _He pushed his plate back, took a sip of tea, and prepared to go. Before he had the chance to escape without any more conversation, Albus leaned over toward him. 

"You will be at the staff meeting today, right Sev?" 

_Sev? Dear Slytherin, I think I jinxed myself. Well, I suppose it could be worse. _"Of course I will, **Headmaster**." 

Albus grinned at him. "Okay. See you there Sevvie." 

Severus sat in shock for a second, but his renowned self control took over. "Yes...See you there Albus," he said weakly, standing up before another professor could engage him in "polite conversation." _ Sevvie? Dear Slytherin, Albus has finally gone mad, _Severus thought as he strode towards the sanctuary of his dungeons. His shock caused him to miss the crowd of twenty of so males and females, from a variety of houses, that happened to be following him. 

"He's finally gone crazy,"Severus mutteredas he stalked to the dungeons. _ Completely mad, _he mentally continued. _ Off his rocker. Loony, all of 'em. All I do is clean up a bit and suddenly people are ogling me, winking and calling me **Sevvie.**_ He leaned against the cool dungeon door and sighed._ Why me?_

Severus suddenly became aware of a large group of students fixedly staring at him. "Oh, bugger," Snape swore under his breath as he fumbled with the door handle, glaring at the students in a futile attempt to scare them away. They just continued to stare, like a group of deer caught in headlights, and Snape thought he saw the flash of a camera go off. 

"Don't you have more important places to be, such as _class_?" the Potions Master snarled, then quickly stepped through the doorway and shut it on the gaping mass. Their object of adoration gone, the crowd began to disperse. 

Inside, Snape began to pace the classroom. Suddenly he groaned, and his inattention caused him to walk into a desk. _I've got the Gryffindor/Slytherin fifth years first thing this morning! Damn. _

Of course he would teach class as he normally did, in order to show the students his "new look" did not mean a change in attitude. This meant he would be as sarcastic as possible towards the Gryffindors, taking numerous points off in the process. _At least the class will be quiet today, although I don't know how much attention they'll be paying to their potions. _ With a wave of one pale, slim hand a piece of chalk began writing the potions ingrediants for the upcoming lesson on the blackboard. Severus walked over to the door and slowly opened it for his next class. Relieved to find the students gone, he propped open the door and walked back to his desk. 

Snape took the fifteen minutes before class started to finish grading the surprise test he had given yesterday. He was extremely surprised when Draco Malfoy, his two goons, and Pansy Parkinson showed up for class a few minutes later. No one had ever been _this_ early for his lessons, at least not of their own will. They were followed by the "Three Musketeers" two minutes later. Snape glared at them as they entered. _ How very, very odd. _

************ 

"I can't believe we're coming to _Potions_ this early," Ron muttered as they walked towards the dungeons. 

"I can't believe Snape actually went within ten feet of a shower." 

"Oh, stop it you two," Hermione admonished. "He's a professor. Besides," she added with a wicked grin, "I always thought he would be decent looking under all that grease." 

The boys gave her odd looks. "Right, Hermione, I'll pretend I didn't hear that," Ron replied. 

"Hey, looks like we're not the only ones," Harry whispered as they saw Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle, and Pansy sitting in front of Snape's desk and whispering. 

"Well, where do we sit?" Hermione asked. 

Curiosity combating their intense dislike of Snape, they chose seats in the middle of the room. The trio sat down and Ron pulled out Hermione's Charms textbook. 

"I heard Snape was madly in love with Professor Grace and he's trying to get her attention," Ron whispered to Harry while pretending to study a Levitation Charm. 

Harry raised an eyebrow and glanced at Snape. The professor was sitting at his desk grading, a slight frown on his face. "Snape, madly in love? C'mon Ron, you know how rumors spread. Next thing you know he'll be having wild nights of passion with Dumbledore." 

Ron grinned. "Well, actually-" 

Harry clapped his hands over his ears in horror. "Too much information!" They both chuckled. "You know," said Harry slowly, "Snape isn't bad looking now. Without all the grease, that is." 

Ron looked at him blankly, and nodded. "Yeah, I guess...but he's still a sadistic git." 

Harry grinned. "I don't think anything could make him be nice to us, right Hermione?" He turned to his friend, expecting her to be immersed in some "light reading." Instead, she was staring at Snape with a faraway expression. "Hermione?" She didn't respond. Harry grinned. "Hermione, Snape and Malfoy are going to run away together and open a strip club. They want you to be their manager." 

Hermione waved a dismissive hand. "That's ni-Harry!" 

Ron and Harry gave her mock innocent looks. "It's not our fault you staring at the teacher instead of paying attention," Ron teased, looking up from her Charm's textbook which he had been studying moments ago. 

Hermione's pale cheeks flushed slightly red. "I was NOT staring at Snape!" she protested loudly. 

The Slytherins and Gryffindors (who had arrived soon after them) sitting near the trio all gave Hermione odd looks. Luckily, neither Snape nor Malfoy had heard, (Malfoy was sitting in the front row with the same expression on his face that Hermione had moments ago). Hermione turned scarlet and ducked behind her copy of Hogwarts: A History. 

Harry grinned cheekily at his embarrassed friend. "Of course not, Hermione." 

Ron leaned towards Harry and stage whispered, "It's Lockhardt all over again." The boys burst out laughing, earning a disapproving glare from Snape. Hermione slammed Hogwarts: A History down on her desk, grabbed a quill and parchment, and began to copy down the potion recipe on the blackboard. 

As the last of the Slytherins and Gryffindors took their seats, Snape glanced around in what looked like surprise, and stood up. When he spoke, his voice was as cold and bitter as it had ever been. 

"Seeing as, for some odd and inexplicable reason," Harry thought he saw Snape grimace here, "everyone is astonishingly early to class, we may as well begin. Please copy down the recipe for the Truthfulness potion on the board, if you have not already." The students continued to stare at him for a moment, mesmerized by his soft, silky voice. "Well, what are you waiting for?" Snape sneered harshly at his class. 

When the students had, for the most part, finished copying down the recipe, Snape asked if anyone knew what the Truthfulness Potion was. He sighed as he saw none of his Slytherins knew the answer. "Yes, Ms. Gra-," Snape turned toward Hermione and froze in shock. For the first time in his experience of teacher her, Hermione wasn't waving her hand around like a madwoman. He gulped. "Miss Granger?" 

Hermione shook her head slightly, and looked at Snape nervously. "Er...I'm sorry sir, I didn't hear the question." 

"You, you _didn't hear the question?_" Snape repeated in disbelief. Granger looked down at her feet, ashamed. Snape wished he had windows in the dungeons, so he could check if any pigs had flown by. "_You _didn't hear the question?" He paused in shock. "Right. Now, do you know anything about the Truthfulness Potion?" 

Hermione brightened. "Oh, yes sir. It is a milder form of Veritaserum. The Truthfulness Potion does not compel the person to tell the truth; it can, in fact, be resisted by the very strong of mind. While it is not as strong, the potion does not have the unfortunate side effects of Veritaserum." 

Snape nodded. "Thank you, Miss Granger. However, ten points from Gryffindor. I expect you to pay attention during class. That goes for you too, Mr. Weasley." Snape walked over to Ron and plucked Hermione's textbook from under the desk. "Believe it or not, this class is not a study period. It is not my fault that you and Mr. Potter choose to run around wreaking havoc instead of _earning _your grades like most students." He walked over to his desk and placed the book in a drawer.   
"You may retrieve that from me at the end of the day, which is when you will be serving your detention." 

Ron turned a bright shade of red. "Sadistic git," he muttered to Harry. 

"I heard that, Mr. Weasley. Would you like to make that two nights of detention? No? Good. Now," he turned and strode back and forth, while still looking at the class, "shall we continue? You are free to partner with whoever you wish-" The potions master noticed the relief on the student's faces, and the badly concealed grins. He smiled; a thin, evil smile. _My own brilliance surprises me at times. _"-with a member of the opposite house, of course," he continued smoothly, sneering as the hopeful expressions turned to dismay. The Slytherins and Gryffindors looked back and forth nervously. None of the students were willing to make the first move. 

"Since you seem to have lost the ability to move, I will be choosing for you." Snape's eyes glittered with what on any other person would be mischief. "Potter and Malfoy, Weasley and Crabbe, Miss Patil and Zabini. Miss Granger and Longbottom, for all of our safety..." 

As he had finished pairing up everyone, and the students were relocating to sit next to their partners, Severus sat down to finish grading the tests. The only one left was Miss Granger's_. Why don't I just give her a hundred and get it over with? That girl is so perfect it's sickening._

************ 

"Potter," said Draco coldly, as Harry approached his table. 

"Malfoy," nodded Harry frigidly. 

"I can't believe Snape paired me with the likes of you," spat Malfoy. Both Harry and Draco glanced at their professor. 

"I'm just about as happy with it as you are," said Harry morosely. "Then again, Snape has gone through somewhat of a...transformation."  
Malfoy nodded in agreement. "I'll go collect our ingrediants Potter. You sit and make yourself look useful." 

"I think I'll help, thanks." Malfoy shrugged indifferently, and Harry stood up and followed him to the ingrediants cabinet. They both returned to their table, arms full of bottles, and dumped them on the tabletop. 

"Alright Potter, you start slicing the newts eyes, and I'll crush the snake scales," Malfoy ordered. Harry, not wanting to cause a confrontation, silently agreed and began to slice. 

After they had finished, Draco began adding the ingrediants. Harry grabbed his arm and hissed, "At least let me do _something._" 

Draco sneered as Harry let go of his arm. "As I said before, sit and make yourself look useful. I, for one, do not want to fail this potion." 

Harry grimaced. "I'm not _that_ bad at Potions." 

Malfoy sneered at him. "Of course not, Potter. Now, let's compare my average in this class and yours. That's why I'm making the potion." 

"That's just because you suck up to Snape so much he has no choice but to give you a high grade." 

The pale Slytherin carefully added the last ingredient and turned to Harry with a sly smile. "All right, if you want to help so much you can stir the potion. I'm going to do my Astrology homework." 

Harry gritted his teeth and began stirring angrily, the potion coming dangerously close to sloshing over the edge of the cauldron. This was why Harry didn't notice when Snape walked right up behind him. 

"Mr. Potter, what on Earth are you doing?" 

************ 

The Potions Master had finished grading, and was striding around the room, noting the students' progress. He was in a rather bad mood (well, worse than normal), since the students had started asking him idiotic, pointless questions just so he would come over and they could ogle him up close. _ Is it **supposed** to be this color? _He sneered as he strode around the classroom. _ Could you show me how to do this? How many salamander eyes do you add at a time? _His eyes fell on Longbottom's cauldron, and their contents caused him to sigh wearily. _ That boy is hopeless. Voldemort won't kill me, Neville will one day in class. Cause of death: Love Potion Gone Wrong. _Neville was adding newt eyes to the potion, while Hermione was measuring the necessary amount of armadillo bile. 

"Longbotton, Longbottom," he chided. "How many times must I tell you to add the ingrediants one by one, slowly and carefully, not to throw them in all at once? Do any of my words penetrate that thick skull of yours? Are you _trying_ to kill us all?" 

Neville was frozen with terror. "S-s-sorry Professor," he stuttered. 

Hermione sighed. "Here, give them to me Neville." 

Neville nodded and tried to hand them to Hermione, but his shaking hand caused him to drop his handful of newt eyes into the potion. The potion began to bubble ominously. Snape cursed softly and grabbed ten rat tails. He threw them into the cauldron and slowly stirred the mixture. The potion stopped bubbling, and turned a dark brown color. 

"There, I've neutralized the potion. Longbottom, ten points from Gryffindor and detention tonight for your carelessness." Snape paused. Neville didn't look particularly unhappy. He frowned. "With Filch." Neville sighed and Hermione patted him on the back sympathetically. _Detention with me no longer scares them. This is getting bad. _

"Empty your cauldron. I expect you both to deliver me a bottle of Truthfulness Potion Saturday, brewed on your own time." Snape turned away with a sigh. He noticed Potter across the room, stirring his potion like it was Voldemort personified. He smoothly swept over and stood behind the boy. 

"Mr. Potter, what on Earth are you doing?" Harry stopped stirring and turned around to look Snape in the eye. 

"Stirring the potion, sir." 

"Let me share a secret with you Potter. Stirring Potions is not a good stress reliever, nor is it effective anger management. Go see Poppy for that." He grabbed the wooden ladle, not noticing Harry's hand was still clutching it. "Like this Potter," he moved the ladle in circles. "Counter clock wise and _slowly._" Severus noticed that Harry was oddly tensed. He suddenly realized that he wasn't gripping smooth, polished wood. Instead, he was holding a sweaty, fifteen year old hand. _Damn._ Snape let go of Harry's hand quickly, and curled his own at his side. "Continue, Mr. Potter," he said coldly, and walked towards his desk. 

Severus sat down and grimaced at the look in Harry's eyes. _As if I would want to have a relationship with a **student**, and Potter no less. _ He saw Harry slowly stirring the potion with a faraway look in his eyes. _I bet he doesn't wash his hand for the next week. _Snape saw the Gryffindor look at Draco, and readied himself to take points off Gryffindor for the eventual fight that was about to break out. However, Draco did not make the scathing remark Severus had expected. Instead, he smiled slightly, and Snape heard him say softly "Next time, _I_ get to stir the potion." 

_Malfoy was just polite to Potter. _He frowned slightly, puzzled. _How very, very odd. _The high, chiming noise of the bell interrupted his thoughts. "Bottle your potions and place them in the cabinet." He waved his hand in the direction of the door. "Out with you, you miserable children." 

The students began filing out of the room, some hitting the door frame as a result of trying to exit the room and stare at Snape at the same time. Somewhere in the darkness of the dungeons, a camera went off. Severus narrowed his eyes and jumped to his feet. "Alright, WHO WAS THAT?!" he yelled. The few remaining students ran out of the room in the face of Snape's wrath. _If that picture shows up in next week's edition of Witch Weekly, someone is going to pay._

************ 

Snape slammed the classroom door for the second time that day. Dinner had been even worse than breakfast. _ I should've just stayed here like I did for lunch. _Hunger had driven him to the hall, but Severus found he could tolerate the admiring glances and whispers less and less as the day progressed. The professor was so enraged he almost tripped over a large pile of parchment on the threshold. _What the-? _He reached down and picked up one addressed to "Professor Snape" in green ink. Curiously, he opened the paper, and almost dropped it in shock. _A...love letter? I've never gotten one of these in my entire life, _he thought in shock. _ And now I have about twenty of them. _ Gracefully he bent down and scooped up all the declarations of undying love into his arms. With a small chuckle he turned and sauntered, (yes, folks, sauntered!) through his office into his quarters. 

A small fire burned in the hearth. Severus made a mental note to thank the house elves. He practically threw himself into the armchair and spread the parchment across his lap. Rubbing his hands together like a child surrounded by Christmas gifts, he contemplated the carefully worded pieces of blackmail in front of him. _Hm...which to open first? _He selected one at random. It had a rather nice poem at the beginning (if you were into poems and all that romantic nonsense) and a note at the bottom to meet the sender at midnight in the Astronomy tower. Severus sighed in disappointment. _What a shame....there's no name on it. Oh well, next one. _He opened one from Ginny Weasley, and quickly scanned its contents. _ She has a deep attraction to me and wishes to get to know the "real Severus", instead of the cruel, callous front I put on to shield myself from emotional hurt....how very, very sweet. _ He rolled his eyes and placed Miss Weasley's letter in the "blackmail" pile. _That's why you never send a Slytherin a love letter, _he thought wryly as he opened the next letter. It was from Draco Malfoy, and extremely short and to the point. _ You're attractive, my father's rich, lets have sex sometime. _ He rolled his eyes. _ What did I expect? I knew I was his favorite teacher....but I thought that was just because of my extreme preference of the Slytherin House. Oh well. _He placed Draco's letter in the blackmail category also. _ Some leverage against Lucius. _ Next was Ms. Granger's letter. _She's attracted to me intellectually as well as physically. Figures. Miss know-it-all Granger would never form a relationship with anyone who didn't have the Hogwart's library memorized and who couldn't talk philosophy and quantum physics with her. Which, I suppose, leaves out all of her peers._

The next letter was on plain white paper, carefully folded with "Severus" written on the outside. Inquisitively he unfolded it and perused the contents. What he read caused his eyes to widen and his face to twist in a mixture of shock and disgust. _Potter? _he thought venomously. _I despise that unpleasant child, and here he tells me he is "saddened that my hatred of his father has prejudiced our relationship" and he confessed he is "attracted to me against his will and wishes to get to know the real me"??? Potter is a brat and a naive boy, and he knows how much I loathe him. _ He growled and almost threw the letters into the fire. Instead, he summoned a locked trunk and carefully placed the letters inside for further reading. _As amusing as those four declarations were, I don't think I can stomach any more of them tonight. _

The clock on the mantelpiece suddenly chimed eight times. It was an elegant and extremely expensive green and silver piece of workdecorated by realistic snake carvings and the Slytherin crest. The bottom of the clock read "World Domination Tour" in flowing script and had two dates inscribed under it. It was a Christmas present from Lucius Malfoy. Suddenly a hatch popped open and a small platform shot out. A realistic miniature death eater, (complete with the robes and a small wand), strode out, yelled "Death to the Mudbloods," turned, and walked back in. It did this every hour, on the hour. Severus had been quite amused by the unconventional gift. 

The potions master swore as he looked at the time. Thanks to those amusing declarations of true love, he would be late to the staff meeting. He sighed. _ Now I'm going to be late for another pointless staff meeting. Albus will think I'm trying to skip the meetings again. He gets so upset when I "had to finish an important potion" and miss the first half an hour. _ Then Severus remembered that Binns was giving a speech about strategies to keep the students' attention in class. _ Perhaps I'm better off missing a couple of minutes at the beginning. _ He went to the bathroom and ran a comb through his hair. _ Make that half an hour. _

Ten minutes later he was striding down the hallways, and arrogant look on his face and his midnight black robes billowing behind him. He was very proud of his walk, it was both sexy and intimidating. As he passed, seventh year girls swooned and had to be caught by their scowling boyfriends. Colin Creevy was selling photographs of a new and improved Snape to a mob of students. Severus snarled as he passed the Gryffindor . _I'll deal with him later. _ He noticed that one girl had bought about twenty photographs, and was distributing them to a large group of girls. They were all wearing some type of pin. Deciding that his peripheral vision wasn't enough, Severus turned in mid-step and focused his attention on a sixth year Ravenclaw. She gasped and looked as if she was about to faint. Or swoon. Snape himself almost fainted when he was able to read the pin the girl had on her robes. It was a green heart, with black letters in the middle that said "SS Appreciation Society." By now all the girls were staring at him with hungry, intent gazes. Coloring slightly, he glared haughtily at the group. This seemed to have the opposite affect that he had intended, because all the students stared at him like love struck cows. Severus growled in frustration, causing several of them to faint in delight, turned very quickly, and strode down the hallway away from the group. Very fast. 

This turned out to be a mistake. A small, quickly moving mass rounded the corner at a sprint and ran smack into Severus. Unbalanced, Severus fell with the unknown perpetrator on top of him. Severus looked up and glared. _ Harry Potter. I should have known. _ Severus was about to say something biting, but stopped in puzzlement when he noticed the youth had not scrambled off of him and run as fast as he could in the opposite direction. Harry's face was a few inches from Severus' own, and the youth had a misty eyed look about him. _Oh, for heaven's sake._

"Mr. Potter," Snape said in a venomous tone that would frighten most adults, "Get. Up. Off. Me." 

Harry shook his head slightly, and his eyes widened. The frightened teenager practically leapt up off his professor, and took of running in the other direction, not even bothering to help Snape up. 

"Thirty points from Gryffindor!" Severus yelled after the Gryffindor. He gracefully rose, and began walking at an even faster place towards his safe haven, the staff room. 

Upon finally reaching his destination,the shaken man leaned heavily against the door. After a few seconds of deep breathing and contemplation of putting a memory charm on himself so he would forget today, he slowly turned the door knob and stealthily slipped inside. Most of the staff were sprawled in their chairs exhibiting varying levels of boredom. Flitwick had his head on the table and seemed to be snoring softly. Dumbledore was sucking on a lemon drop and writing notes on a piece of parchment. _Probably playing tic-tac-toe, _Severus thought with a snort. Minerva was reading a copy of Witch Weekly under the table. Hagrid's gigantic head rested in his hands, and his eyes had a faraway look. _ I'd bet he's thinking about those new creatures he got last week. _Vector and Madame Hooch were making bets about the upcoming Slytherin-Gryffindor match. Sprout was writing out a list of supplies she needed for classes, and futilely attempting to clean the dirt out of her fingernails. Mary Grace was the only one paying attention; she had a rapt look on her doll-like face as she listened to the ghost. Severus blanched. _ She even pays attention to Binns! It's difficult to understand how anyone can stand her. She's too...perfect._

Thanks to Binns, none of the staff seemed to notice his late entrance. He glided around the table and stopped at his regular seat, which was to the Headmaster's left. The headmaster looked up and mock frowned. Snape could almost hear him saying "Late again, Severus. Tsk, tsk. Missing an important lecture, to top it off...". He took his seat and rolled his eyes in Binns' direction. Albus grinned at him, and went back to tic-tac-toe. Minerva was sitting on his right, absorbed in her magazine. Severus peered over her shoulder. 

"What a fascinating piece of literature. 'What men really want: six wizards reveal all'?" he said quietly with obvious distaste. 

McGonagall looked up in shock. She stared at him for a few seconds, then recovered. "Those of us who _show up on time _have to amuse ourselves as best as we can._" _She shrugged casually. "This was lying on the table when I came in. Someone probably confiscated it last week and left it here." 

"Oh, is that why you're sitting in Flitwick's seat? Because the magazine was over here?" Snape asked innocently. 

Minerva blushed slightly and looked away. "Oh. Um...am I really? Well, I...er...had to find a place where I could read this magazine without being too obvious. I didn't think about it, really." 

_Uh huh, _Snape said to himself. 

Mercifully, at that moment Binns chose to wrap up his tirade. Professor Grace began clapping enthusiastically, which woke up any of the sleeping staff members. Flitwick looked up, blinked confusingly, then beamed and began to clap. The rest of the staff followed with polite applause that was more out of a relief that Binns was finished than any regard for what he had just said. 

"Thank you very much," said Dumbledore politely. "Now, onto business. Next weeks trip to Hogsmeade is still on. There has not been any indication of a Death Eater attack," here almost everyone unconsciously shifted their gaze to Snape, who gritted his teeth, "but I have asked a few Aurors to patrol the town regardless." _ Oh, goody. I feel so much safer with a group of stuck up, wand-ready Gryffindors keeping the peace, _Severus thought to himself. "I have a feeling that if we did cancel this excursion we would have a student rebellion on our hands," Albus added with a grin. "Any objections?" The table was silent. "Suggestions?" 

"Students should be required to travel in groups of at least two," quipped McGonagall from beside Severus. 

"Excellent suggestion Minerva. Any more?" 

"Maybe all the teachers should come and each of them could escort a large group around. It would be like a field trip!!!!" said Mary with a dazzling smile. "And we could have a picnic on the grounds after we returned, and-" 

Severus rolled his eyes. _While Albus may be one of the most brilliant wizards this century, he is certainly not a very good judge of character. _He decided to interrupt this babbling before she got too carried away. "This is _not_ a field trip. It's an afternoon where the students can relieve tension by doing god knows what. I have no desire to baby-sit a group of hormonal brats, and I'm sure they feel the exact same way about me. We might as well cancel this trip if you feel the need to impose such idiotic rules-ouch!" 

Severus glared at Albus, who had just kicked him under the table. The Headmaster merely smiled innocently and sucked on a lemon drop. The staff looked at the pair in confusion. 

"That was a very good idea Mary," Albus began, but was interrupted when Severus was suddenly overtaken by a rather violent coughing fit. Minerva smirked and patted him gently on the back. Albus quelled the urge to roll his eyes and continued. "-but it does not seem plausible. Thank you for you input." 

Mary's dainty face crinkled for a moment as she attempted to understand why her brilliant idea was rejected, but a second later she gave up and smiled prettily. 

"Now, who is willing to accompany the students to Hogsmeade this weekend?" The only response Albus received to his question was a general avoidance of his gaze and much twiddling of thumbs. Besides Mary's frantically waving hand, of course. "Anyone at all?" 

"I'll go Albus!!" Mary's use of multiple exlamation marks was beginning to worry Severus. No sane person would be that enthusiastic. 

"All right, that's one volunteer." Albus looked around with a slight, predatory grin. 

_Oh, no. He wouldn't dare; he knows how much I hate that woman. Albus would never-_

"Severus and Minerva, why don't you accompany Mary?" 

Albus' statement was met with sighs of relief. Except for, of course, the two unfortunate teachers forced into wasting a day with "a group of hormonal brats" (as Severus termed them) and a woman who's idea of fun was probably catching butterflies and knitting socks for the brave Aurors fighting against evil. Minerva sighed in disgust and flipped to page 78 to take the quiz. Severus groaned dramatically and laid his head upon the table. After a few moments of quiet reflection, he reached the conclusion that Albus was a sadist. _I'll get back at him for this, _he promised himself. Becoming bored with self pity and future revenge, Severus leaned over for the second time that day and looked at Minerva's magazine. _I really should have brought a book. _The quiz was entitled "Who's the perfect wizard for you?" 

"So," he asked with a smirk, "who is the perfect wizard for you? Hagrid? Flitwick? Albus?" 

"I'll see in a second," Minerva replied, clearly irritated, while she counted up her score. Flitwick was babbling on about student achievement, but Severus ignored him."There we go. 'This man is your intellectual equal, although he and you are opposites'." 

"Well, I suppose that discounts Hagrid." Minerva elbowed him sharply in the ribs. "What is it, abuse Severus day?" he asked helplessly, rubbed his bruised side. 

Minerva continued reading, oblivious to Snape's complaints. "He is tall, dark, and rather handsome. This is a person you've overlooked before, but you may begin to see him in a new light." Severus noticed her ears had turned a slight shade of pink. "Your dream guy is a private person, and might have some emotional walls that you need to break down." Severus almost grimaced as Minerva continued to describe a person that was begin to have an uncanny resemblance to himself_. This is not turning out to be a good day_. A searing pain suddenly seized his left arm. His thin, elegant hands curled into fists. _ And it just got a whole lot worse._

"Albus, could I please see you outside for a moment?" he asked, cutting off Flitwick. 

Albus looked at his potions master carefully, then nodded. "If you'll excuse us," he said politely to the staff, standing up and gesturing for Severus to do the same. 

Severus ignored the raised eyebrows and confused looks as he and Albus exited the room. _ Yes, I'm planning to seduce the Headmaster so he will let me leave this god-awful meeting. _He smirked at the reaction that would produce. _I'm not **that** desperate to leave._

After Albus closed the door, Severus gripped his forearm in pain. "Let me hazard a guess," Albus said . "That would be Voldemort?" 

Severus rolled his eyes. "You astound me with you genius, Albus." His face contorted in pain. "Why can't the Dark Lord use owls like bloody everyone else?" 

Albus chuckled. "I imagine that snake of his would eat them." The older wizard suddenly grew serious. "Take care of yourself, Severus." 

Snape rolled his eyes. "You say that to me every single time I leave, Albus." He sighed at the look on the older wizard's face. "If it makes you feel any better, I shall try." 

Albus nodded and handed Severus his Death Eater cloak and mask, which he had just summoned. With a fatherly pat of encouragement Albus turned and went back into the staff room, closing the door gently behind him. _ I'm off to see the Dark Lord, _Severus thought as he cast a simple invisibility spell on himself. _ The terrible Dark Lord who's probably going to torture me in many interesting and horrific ways before leaving me to die..._He shook his head as he walked down the stone corridors towards the school's entrance. _Song writing is definitely not one of my talents._

The doors to the school silently opened a fraction and closed as the invisible Severus walked to what was assuredly his own demise. Whenever he walked away from a meeting with the Dark Lord Severus felt as if he'd narrowly escaped a brush with death. At the edge of the school grounds, the potions master removed the invisibility spell and looked upon the magnificent castle that housed Britain's only hope for a peaceful future. _ In that case, I feel very sorry for future generations. _His wand raised in a mock salute, Severus apparated away to deal with a temperamental Dark Lord and his fanatical cult. What a wonderful day it had turned out to be. 


	3. Creepy Dark Lords and Severus Ogling

**Severus Snape, Sexy Slytherin: Chapter 3**

A/N: Well, well, well....again, sorry folks, I know this took a very long time. However, I do have an excuse this time! I lost the notebook that had this entire chapter written in it....so I had to write it all over again, from scratch. That was not fun. Anyway, read, enjoy, and review. 

Disclaimer: None of the characters below are mine. Also, this chapter, along with most of my work, is heavily influenced by Terry Pratchett (I guess that's what happens when you read his books constantly...). Very funny man, Mr. Pratchett. Severus' thought that "_Multiple exclamation marks...the sure sign of an insane mind_" is an almost direct quotation from one of his books, (I believe the books is Maskerade). Also, "..(good for every occasion! Birthday parties included.) ---that quote was inspired by Traci. So, basically, I'm really not as witty as you may think I am. ;). 

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Snape apparated into a dark, claustrophobic room that smelled strongly of dust and, for some odd reason, expensive cologne. The small enclosure was covered in cobwebs and mold. A cockroach the size of Severus' hand scuttled by next to his foot. _Typical Dark Lord Trick, trying to inspire fear by one's surroundings._ _Well, it takes much more than a bad cleaning job to intimidate Severus Snape._

He froze when an arm reached around his neck, the owner's wand gently pressing into the hollow of this throat. Severus gulped. _Ah, now something like this would be enough to do it._

"Name?" asked a flat, pitiless voice that you would definitely not want to meet alone in a dark alley. 

His fears vanished when Severus heard the aristocratic drawl, (and placed the cologne as being Armani for Wizards). "Severus Snape, you pompous fool. Has the Master finally entrusted you with his personal security, or is this an attempt on revenge because I could not attend your Christmas party this year?" 

Lucius chuckled and removed his wand. "Neither, old friend. I was merely suspicious. Our Lord has never had two of us apparate into the same room." 

"Maybe he's run out of broom closets," Severus said dryly. 

"That wit of yours is going to land you into trouble one day." 

"Thank you for your concern, Luc. Until then, I live to amuse." He made a mocking half bow. 

"Speaking of Christmas parties, it has been quite a while since you have visited," stated "Luc" in a mildly reproving tone. 

"I deeply regret missing your annual Christmas celebration. Our Master turning three of his servants into pillars of liquid fire must've been quite an impressive site." 

"Yes." Lucius agreed absentmindedly, while he looked for the random underling who should have been waiting to show them to the Meeting Room (no, Voldemort wasn't very good with making up names) "It was hell to clean up afterwards. I did warn them not to buy him those Harry Potter socks." 

There was a long and thoughtful pause. 

"They _really_ bought him-" 

"Yes." 

"What idiots." 

"Mhm. At least they didn't have a chance to give him The Idiot's Guide to Being a Dark Lord." 

"I think he owns it already." 

Lucius glanced around worriedly. "Sev, that was very nearly treason." 

Severus smirked underneath his mask. "I have nothing but the deepest respect and love of our Master." 

"Uh-huh." Severus knew Lucius wondered about his loyalty sometimes, but he didn't say anything, and Severus never mentioned to Albus or the Ministry all those interesting objects in the basement of Malfoy Manor. It was a mutually beneficial friendship (as all Slytherin friendships tended to be). 

Lucius drummed his fingers against the wall impatiently, then decided to revert to his favorite subject, (no, not the Dark Arts, the superiority of pure bloods, or polka dancing). "I am moderately pleased with Draco's progress in school." 

Severus mentally groaned. _You think Lucius would take the hint by now that I do not enjoy discussing his spoiled son. _"Draco is quite a brilliant young man." 

"Indeed. It is quite disappointing, however, that he continues to be second to that _mudblood_ Granger." 

_However much I hate to admit it, that annoying know-it-all may be one of the most brilliant witches Hogwarts has seen in the past hundred years. _He decided to settle with a noncommittal, "Gryffindor favoritism." 

"Yes, I have been meaning to-" 

"Ahem." The hesitant cough indicated that the speaker could see two people ranked about him were having a private conversation, but there was something urgent he really needed to say right now so would you kindly pay attention. 

The two men slowly pivoted to face this upstart youngster who dared disturb their very important conversation. Lucius drew back his hood, platinum blond hair gleaming in the low light. Severus decided he wouldn't take off his mask quite yet. 

"What, exactly, do you want?" asked Lucius coldly, pinning the youngster under the full force of The Malfoy Sneer, (patented in the year 1237 AD). 

The man bowed. "Our Master has sent me to fetch you, sir." 

Severus smiled evilly and turned on his "Longbottom, you thick idiot, how did you manage to blow up the entire dungeons **again**?" voice. "You seem to have taken your time in doing so, Fabian. Are all the other members of the Circle present already?" 

Fabian turned pale. "All but the Lestranges, Professor. M-my apologies, sir. I was...detained along the way." 

"And now you waste our time with petty apologies." Lucius fingered his wand. "We are quite ready to depart." 

"Of course, sirs. P-please follow me." 

Lucius replaced his mask as the young man led them through damp hallways lit by thick, tallow candles. Voldemort's headquarters were a confusing maze made even more perilous by the occasional death trap. Severus grumbled as he hopped on one foot for three steps, spun around in a circle, and jumped over a floor tile. 

"Why doesn't the Master just allow us to temporarily magically disable the traps?" Severus whispered. "Or, better yet, apparate directly into the conference room." 

Lucius shrugged. "I'm guessing he doesn't want sufficiently clever invaders to be able to disable them. Extra security precaution." 

"Who would be idiotic enough to attempt to invade a stronghold full of Death Eaters, dark creatures, and one of the most feared Dark Lords of all time?" 

Severus and Lucius looked and each other and chorused, "Gryffindors." 

The mention of the foolhardy and thickheaded house of Gryffindor brought back a few memories for the two men. 

"Do you remember the time we put itching powder in Black's bag, and he couldn't use his own books for a week?" 

"Ah, yes. Those were the days. I believe they retaliated by shaving off all your hair in the middle of the night. Even your eyebrows." 

Severus growled. "It took months for my hair to grow back out." 

"And that's the last haircut you've had since, eh Sev?" Lucius asked teasingly. 

Severus grinned under his mask. "No, actually, I cut my hair last night." Completely forgetting his resolve to not take off his mask, he slipped the silk fabric off with fluid ease. "Do you like it?" 

For the first time in many, many years, Lucius Malfoy looked completely and utterly shocked. "Gah...." 

Severus smirked slightly. "Can I take that as a yes?" 

Malfoy managed to recover himself. He leaned closer with a predatory look Snape definitely did not like to see in the eyes of his best friend. "Oh, yes, Sev," Lucius purred. The man purred! "I like it very, very much." 

"Um..." The potions master unconsciously leaned slightly away from his friend. This behavior was very disturbing coming from Lucius Malfoy, the ladies man. Of course, it was a little known fact most of Slytherins were bisexual, but still....this was his best friend! "Glad you like it." 

Lucius' face suddenly split into a wicked grin. "Sev, after the meeting would you be interested in-oof!" 

Severus never got the chance to find out what his friend was about to propose, because at that moment Fabian had stopped in front of two massive, oaken doors. Lucius, too busy staring at Severus to notice, kept walking and ran straight into Fabian. The young man, who was in mid-turn, caught his foot on the edge of Lucius' robe, and hit the door with a sickening crack. 

In the confusion, Severus slipped the mask back over his head. Leaning against the wall and surveying the scene in front of him, he began to snigger uncontrollably. 

"I think I've broken my nose," Fabian muttered as blood tripped down his face onto the front of robes. 

"Your **nose**?" Lucius asked in outrage. "You have just ripped,"-he growled the word-"my new Armani robes!" 

Severus, leaning against the wall in the background, managed to turn his laughter into a severe coughing fit. Fabian muttered under his breath after he quickly cast a charm to stop the bleeding. _I'm glad this new crisis has diverted attention away from me. _He smirked. _Luc is so vain._

"Luc, you must have at least twenty pairs of Armani robes," Severus tried to reason with a distraught Malfoy. 

"These," Lucius gestured towards his "ruined" clothing, "were specially made, custom fitted-" 

"Luc?" 

"Yes?" 

"Shut up. And you," he turned on Fabian, "just open the bloody doors already." 

"Yes, sir," the youth put both palms against the two doors, which slowly creaked open. The opening doors revealed a large room dominated by a crystal throne placed on a small platform. Standing next to his throne was none other than the hideously ugly Dark Lord who had Britain in a state of chaos. Voldemort's red, slanted eyes, flat nose with slits for nostrils, and pasty complexion had always made Severus want to give the man a card for a good plastic surgeon. This was where the members of the Inner Circle sat when Voldemort summoned them to a meeting. 

Random Underling #27, i.e. Fabian, stepped in and announced the wizards behind him. "Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy, Master." 

Voldemort waited for his three servants to, one by one, kiss the hem of his robe. As Severus groveled before the Dark Lord, he was again thankful the mask hid his look of disgust. Once they were finished, and Severus had covertly eaten a tic-tac, they stood to the side waiting for permission to take their seats. 

"Excellent," Voldemort hissed, stroking a nonexistent goatee with thin fingers. "Tell me, Fabian, why is there blood on your robes?" His eyes narrowed. "The ritual sacrifices are only on Thursdays." 

"No, my lord, he ran into a door on the way here," Lucius said. "That's why Severus and I are regrettably late." 

"Did I ask you, Lucius?" Voldemort said quietly. 

"No, Master." Lucius bowed. 

"Hmm. Is this true, Fabian?" 

"Actually, my lord-" 

"This isn't a complicated question. Yes, or no?" 

"Yes, master," Fabian muttered. 

The Dark Lord sighed. "You were showing such promise too. Oh well. I cannot afford to be surrounded by clumsy fools." _So you've finally realized the incompetence of most of these people. Shocking. _"Avada Kedavera." 

Nobody commented as the still warm body of the young man hit the floor. Another random underling appeared to drag the body away. _Nagini's got dinner tonight. Sometimes I think Voldemort kills so many people so he won't have to buy snake food._

"You may take your seats." 

Lucius and Severus bowed, and with a muttered "thank you, master" made their way to their designated chairs. 

"You won't be seeing him later," Severus murmured, his voice pitched so only Lucius could hear. 

"The upstart deserved it. Look at this tear!" 

Severus pulled his chair out and sat down. When he was seated, he glanced around and covertly muttered a repairing charm. 

"Happy?" 

Lucius sniffed. "No. It's still not the same." 

Severus rolled his eyes and shifted to find a more comfortable position to sit in. _Master probably ordered someone to find the most uncomfortable chairs in the world. _

Voldemort stayed standing a moment longer, looking at his most loyal subjects and favored servants with narrowed eyes, then regally ascended his throne. 

The expression on the Dark Lord's face didn't change as he shifted and pulled out an extremely large, extremely dead rat from under him. The Death Eaters looked at each other nervously, wondering who was going to be punished for this, and if their Lord's mood could get any worse. 

"_Nagini?" _Voldemort hissed. 

The large python curled up next to the throne like a dog lifter her massive head. _"Yes, Master?_" 

"_How many times must I tell you not to store your leftovers on my throne?!?!_" 

"_Sorry, Master. I forgot._" 

"_Again._" He dropped the rodent onto the ground in front of the snake's head. _"And as punishment for forgetting, I shall feed the dead human to your brothers and sisters._" 

Somehow Nagini managed to put a whining edge to her answering hiss. "_But Master-_" 

"_Silence! Be glad I have let you off easily._" 

Nagini mumbled "_Yes, master_" and lowered her head into her coils dejectedly. 

"Don't you just hate it when he talks in italics?" Severus whispered to Lucius. 

Voldemort turned back to his inner circle. "My most loyal servants," he hissed, "tell me how things in my Empire are going." No one spoke. "If no one's going to volunteer...MacNair?" 

"Y-yes Master." He swallowed. "Your most brilliant team of young wizards have been working night and day to find a way to break through the wards of Hogwarts..." 

Severus almost snickered. _Good luck, MacNair. _He would've pitied the man being given such an impossible task if the guy wasn't such a git. The wards on the school had been created by the founding fathers, using the most powerful magic of the age. In addition, the Headmasters of Hogwarts (the competent ones, at least) had strengthened and improved the wards over the ages. 

As Severus listened to MacNair's account, which was filled with excuses and overblown successes, he grimaced. _My students have given me better, and more plausible, excuses as to why they couldn't complete their last night's homework. _

MacNair rattled on until he noticed no one was listening to him any longer. Trailing off, he swallowed nervously. 

"So, what you are saying is no progress has been made?" 

"Lord, we have-" 

"I tire of your excuses. Crucio!" 

Severus sighed as MacNair's screams echoed around the room. _You think he'd be a little more used to it, by now. Just can't take pain, that man. _It was kind of ironic, really. The rest of the wizarding world was afraid of the Dark Lord, but so were his own followers, perhaps even more so. _Irony. All my life, I've never been able to escape it._

Voldemort released MacNair from the curse, and the Death Eater slumped into the chair bonelessly. 

"I hope next time I will receive a more, shall we say, favorable report." 

"Yes, Master." MacNair's voice was hoarse from screaming. 

"Who shall be next..." Voldemort mused. All the Death Eaters shrunk slightly in their seats. 

"Severus Snape." 

_This is turning into a **really** bad day._

Lucius reached under the table and gripped Sea's hand reassuringly. At least, Severus hoped Lucius had been going for his hand. 

"What is it you wish to know, Master?" 

"First, tell me how you have helped MacNair with the project I have given him." 

_I don't suppose an "I haven't really" would suffice, would it? _"I have managed to gleam some information by watching the Aurors strengthen the wards and some subtle questioning. All the information I have gained I immediately pass over to MacNair. I cannot imagine why he hasn't finished his task yet," Severus added guilelessly. MacNair glared at Severus when he thought Voldemort wasn't looking. The Dark Lord smiled thinly. 

"And what of your work on my liquid Cructacius?" 

Severus decided, for once in his life, to be honest. 

"My lord, I have assembled a list of ingredients that I believe will work. However, I have not yet found the quantities which each should go in." 

"How do you know the ingredients you are working with are the correct ones?" Voldemort asked in a silky, soft voice. 

"I do not, Master." 

"This is the best you can do?" He continued in that same, soft tone. "I was under the impression that I was in possession of one of the greatest potions masters in the world. Have I been laboring under a misapprehension? Shall I recruit DeLaney to take your place? Even that Mudblood Ross might do better than you are right now." His voice became harsh, commanding. "Look upon me, Severus Snape, and tell me that you are the best." 

_Oh, Slytherin. A wonderful end to a bloody wonderful day. _He slowly reached back and pulled of the hood. 

There were no sudden gasps or sudden marriage proposals; after all, this was a group of Slytherins. Lestrange's mouth opened slightly, but it was thoughtfully closed by his wife a minute later. _Someone's going to be sleeping on the couch tonight,_ though Severus with a smirk. Avery's eyes widened, which gave him the appearance of a deer caught in headlights. Peter Pettigrew, being the Gryffindor scum he was, fell out of his chair onto the floor in shock. Lucius sat with a superior smirk that said he knew all along, which, well, he did. Voldemort did not look at the reactions of his servants, instead he stayed focused on Severus. 

Severus steeled himself and looked into Voldemort's creepy red eyes. "I am the best, my Lord," he said with a peculiar combination of subservience and arrogance. 

Voldemort stared at him for a few more seconds, then nodded. "See that it stays that way." 

_No punishment? Not that I'm complaining..._"I will, Master." 

"Excellent." Once more Voldemort stroked an invisible goatee. 

Severus reached back to pull up his hood, but the Dark Lord stopped him with an upraised hand. "Leave your hood down this meeting, Severus. We're all friends here." 

_What am I, eye candy? Decoration? Why don't I just get naked and stand on the table for everyone to look at._ "Of course, my lord." 

"Lestrange, talk to me." 

"Um...about what, master?" 

"What do you think I want you to talk about?" Lestrange looked puzzled. "Let me rephrase the question. How is the recruiting going?" 

"Well, my lord..." 

Severus zoned out as each servant recounted what he or she was doing to further the progress of the Evil Empire. He was noting key facts to recount to Dumbledore, of course. At the same time, other portions of his mind were occupied by other things. _I wonder if I could hex that filthy rat into oblivion without Voldemort noticing? _Peter Pettigrew was still sitting across from Severus, staring at the potions master with his beady little eyes and drooling. _If he doesn't stop that right now..._

"Well, I'm glad things are progressing so well. Slowly and surely we conquer unnoticed, my servants. Now, in the interests of time, your evil missions for this week have been written down." Envelopes appeared in front of each person. Severus' was pink and covered in little hearts. "I suggest you read these in a private setting. They will self destruct after you finish, so read carefully." 

Severus tucked his envelope into the inside pocket of his robe before anyone got a good look at it. _I really, really hope I just didn't get a bunch of love poems..._

"That is all. You are dismissed." 

The Death Eaters looked at each other, stunned. One insignificant underling had been killed that day, and amazingly only one other tortured. It had to be a new record. As a group, they slowly stood up and shuffled out. Severus had almost reached the door when Voldemort spoke. 

"Ah, yes. I'd almost forgotten..." 

The Death Eaters slowly pivoted around and stared at their Lord. _Ah, here was the catch_, they all thought. 

"Severus and Lucius, would you please stay for a few moments?" 

_Damn. Why, oh why does it have to be **me**?_

The other Death Eaters gave the two pitying looks as they left the room. Severus and Lucius glanced at each other and shrugged. For the second time that day they walked over to the Dark Lord's throne. 

"It's your turn this time, Sev," Lucius leaned in and whispered as they were walked over. Severus nodded and bent down to kiss Voldemort's robes. It was his turn to get them out of some incredibly dangerous/mentally scaring experience. Lucius usually used his good looks, charm, wit, influence and incredible fortune. Severus' main tactics were a variety of different glares (good for every occasion! Birthday parties included.), an intimidating presence and an encyclopedic knowledge of hexes. He decided neither of the three would be very appropriate for the occasion. 

Voldemort smiled at them, which was the creepiest thing he had done all night. "It has been quite some time since I've gotten to talk to my most intelligent, slippery servants." He magicked up a purple table with three chairs in the empty space next to the throne. "Come, take a seat." 

Lucius and Severus gave each other nervous glance as they followed the Dark Lord to the min-table and sat down. _The worst possible thing...bonding time. Oh well, at least the chairs are comfortable._

"Let's play some Chinese Checkers!!!" The Dark Lord said enthusiastically. Severus almost grimaced. 

_Multiple exclamation marks...the sure sign of an insane mind._

A different random underling suddenly appeared at the table. 

"Bloody amazing how they do that, isn't it?" whispered Lucius. 

"Bring me the Chinese Checker set and some Double Stuffed Oreos!" The Dark Lord commanded. 

Minion #12 bowed. "Yes, Master." 

Voldemort held up a hand. "But first...who do you think would win a Death Match, Britney Spears or Ru Paul?" 

The servant frowned slightly. "Er...well....Britney Spears?" 

Voldemort raised an eyebrow. "Hmmm. Interesting. Severus, what do you think?" 

"The obvious answer is Ru Paul," Severus said smoothly. 

Voldemort nodded. "I am inclined to agree with Severus." 

The servant twitched. "Of-of course Master. It is so obvious, I don't know how I didn't see it before-" 

"Oh, shut up and get my Oreos." Voldemort commanded. The servant fled, only to return a moment later with, you guessed it, a set of Chinese Checkers and a package of Oreos. Voldemort opened the Chinese Checkers box. 

"I get to be purple!" 

Severus grimaced. This had gone far enough. "Um...my lord?" 

Voldemort narrowed his eyes. "Yes, Snape?" 

"With the utmost regret I must inform you that I had left a batch of the test liquid Imperious boiling, and if I do not return shortly it will burn. My work would be set back for weeks. Against my wishes, I must ask you to allow me to leave and attend to the potion." Severus bowed his head and waited for Voldemort to curse him for his impudence or make him take off all his clothes and dance around like a ballerina. When the Dark Lord started playing Chinese Checkers, you were never sure what would happen next. 

"Hm...yes, you have my permission to go." 

Severus stood and bowed elegantly. "Ah. One more thing, Master. I had left some of the ingredients for the next batch at Malfoy Manor, and without Lucius I cannot collect them. May he be allowed to accompany me?" 

"I shall be lenient today, Severus. Yes, both of you are excused. However," he leaned forward and stared at the potions master, "I expect to see you at a later date." 

Lucius stood and, like Severus, bowed to Voldemort. "Thank you, master," both men muttered. Actually, Severus muttered "Die, you bastard." Voldemort's hearing wasn't very good these days. 

Once they made it into the hallway, Severus sighed in relief. "That was close." 

"I am quite grateful you got us out of there, Sev. I'm horrible at Chinese Checkers." 

Severus rolled his eyes as they walked down the hallway and took a left. "So if we had been playing a nice, traditional, Slytherin game such as chess or strip poker, you would have stayed?" 

"Well, perhaps if those had been the mint ores," Lucius said with a smirk. 

"Who's the treasonous one now?" 

"Sev, I wouldn't consider it treason to insult the Master's taste in cookies." 

"Yes, but he might." Severus stopped suddenly. "Finally, an apparition room!" He yanked open the plain wooden door, only to find Wormtail dancing to Christina Aguilera's new song "Dirty." He was only wearing a sparkly blue thong. Severus quickly slammed the door closed again. "Er...let's keep moving, shall we?" 

There was a long pause where both men couldn't think of anything to say. 

"Today is quite the day for revelations, isn't it Sev?" 

"Yes. Today has proven most...interesting." 

They came upon another small, nondescript wooden door. Severus reached for the handle, then changed his mind. 

"Lucius, would you mind opening it this time?" 

Lucius opened the door a crack and peeked around, but the only occupants of the tiny room were spiders and whatever other insects had made it their home. 

"Figures," Severus muttered. "_I _have to be the one to open the door on Pettigrew dancing." 

Lucius chuckled. "Well, it is time for me to be heading home, old friend." He took a step towards Severus and looked him in the eye. "You _will _visit more often, won't you?" 

"Yes, yes, Luc. We'll meet in Hogsmeade next weekend or something, ok?" 

Lucius nodded. "I shall send you an owl, Sev. Until then." With that, he Disapperated. 

Severus shook his head. _Luc always was one for dramatic exits. _With a wave of his wand, Severus disappeared. 


	4. Sirius Black and Strip Shows

**Severus Snape, Sexy Slytherin: Chapter 4**

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the following characters, as much as I wish I did. However, the plot and any humor are all mine. 

Authors Note: Well, it has been a long time, hasn't it? Sorry about that everyone. I did write this chapter a while ago, but then soccer started and, well, I got so busy with Real Life that I completely forgot about this story (I know, I have to get my priorities straight.) Please excuse all grammar mistakes, I've attempted to eliminate all of them. I hope you remember what this is about, and, er, enjoy! 

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The scowling potions master suddenly appeared in the midst of the dark, depressing Forbidden Forest. _'I **hate** apparating into this place.'_ An innocent terrible monster of darkness, who was just strolling along quietly, took one look at Severus' glare and ran quickly in the opposite direction. _'Yeah, that's right you pansy.' _He transferred his death glare at a group of trees._ 'I'll show this forest who's the dark and depressing one.'_ The forest, however, was having none of this attitude. A battered old Ford suddenly appeared out of nowhere, and Severus barely managed to dive to the side before he was run over. Unluckily for Sev, he chose to jump into a spot right where a tree was standing. _'Damn,_' he thought, rubbing his head. _'Why couldn't I just apparate to Hogsmeade?'_ Whenever he asked Dumbledore this, the man just muttered something about "apparating close to the castle so we can treat your injuries." Yeah, like a hike through a forest filled with dark creatures and booby traps was really going to help him relax after a meeting with the Dark Lord. Sometimes he thought Dumbledore was completely mad. Then again, Voldemort was certainly bonkers, so it was a fairly even fight. 

Severus shook himself. _'I've got to stop this random, pointless inner dialogue.'_ He checked to make sure his collision with the tree hadn't messed up his hair, then started the trek back to Hogwarts. Severus stopped for a moment to write "SB+Dobby 4eva". Admiring his work, he cackled evilly and kept moving. Things were starting to look up. His classes had been quiet, his hair was clean, he had shocked Lucius for the first time in ten years, and he hadn't been tortured by Voldemort. Then again, he had been ogled the entire day and the recipient of more innuendo than he'd ever encountered in his life, but he decided not to dwell on that. 

At the edge of the forest Madam Pomfrey was waiting for him, an official MediWitch ("Never say die") bag in her hand. When she saw the Potions Master coming, she bustled forward and beamed at him. 

"Severus!" she crooned. Snape flinched. "Dumbledore asked me to come out and make sure you were all right. What's this terrible bump?" She reached up and touched Severus' head. 

"It's nothing," Severus said shortly. He glared at her until she stopped petting his hair. 

Madam Pomfrey looked him up and down critically. "Hm...I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to remove all your clothing." 

Severus blinked. "Why?" 

"Severus, I'm a professional, I know what's best for you," she said patronizingly. Severus just stared blankly at her. "Er, I need check if you've had some curse placed on you that you might not be aware of." 

"Please explain the necessity of me stripping naked for you to determine that." 

"It's easier to scan the person." 

Severus rolled his eyes. "I'm perfectly fine," he snapped, brushing past her. 

"Wait!" Madam Pomfrey called after him. "How about if you just take off your shirt?" 

Severus growled and kept walking. 

Madam Pomfrey cursed to herself as the Potions Master walked away. '_I've lost my chance,' _she thought with a sigh. _'Then again...next time he comes into the infirmary with so much as a cold I'm giving him a sponge bath. Yes.'_ Smiling dreamily, she gathered up her supplies. 

His bad mood restored, Severus threw open the door to the Great Hall with a loud bang. Frankly, he didn't care who heard. It was late, and any student (ie Gryffindor) dumb enough to investigate would get detention for the rest of their natural life. 

Severus paused as he reached the hallway outside the Great Hall. _'I could either go and report to Dumbledore like he's asked me to, or I could go down to the dungeons and sleep all this off.' _He turned toward the dungeons, then paused. _'Last time I "forgot" to report I was assigned to patrol of the school for three weeks running.'_ Damning Dumbledore and his sneaky ways, Severus turned back and glided to Dumbledore's office. 

After a disappointing walk where there were no out of bed students to be found, Severus reached the Headmaster's office and stopped in front of the stone gargoyle. 

"You're looking nice today," the gargoyle said slowly, slurring the words. 

Severus blinked, astonished. Then he stepped to the side and hit his head against the wall. _'Oh. My. God. Even inanimate objects are hitting on me. I cannot cope.' _He stepped away from the wall and took a deep breath. _'Self control, Severus.'_

__"Fizzing Wizbees," he growled. The gargoyle reluctantly opened and Severus stepped onto the revolving staircase. He drummed his fingers against the railing as the staircase slowly turned. _'Instead of being awe inspiring, this is just slow and annoying. I've told him to install an elevator...' _When he reached the top, Severus strode across the waiting room and burst into Dumbeldore's office. 

__"Headmaster, I have a few things to report." 

"Severus, do come in," Dumbledore motioned Severus to a seat, his eyes twinkling. 

Severus noticed the man sitting across from Dumbledore. His eyes narrowed. 

"I would prefer to speak with you along, Headmaster," Severus said stiffly. 

Black snorted. "Sod off, you greasy gi-it?" he said as he twisted around to look at Snape. His jaw dropped. 

"What's wrong, Black? Speechless now your only insult is no longer applicable?" Severus said nastily. Sirius continued to stare, mouth open, then slowly looked him up and down in a manner oddly reminiscent of Lucius. 

"I know something that would leave you speechless, Severus," Sirius said innocently. Dumbledore coughed and put his hand in front of his mouth to hide his smile. 

"_Please_ tell me you were talking about cutting out my tongue," Snape muttered. 

Black stood up and stepped uncomfortably close to Severus, looking him in the eye. "Sev, I think it's time we put a childish grudge aside. If we're going to be working together, we have to at least be civil toward each other." He stuck out his hand, a rakish smile on his face. "Truce?" 

Severus looked down at the hand with the same loathing he would show if Godric Gryffindor suddenly appeared and asked him to be the father of his new dynasty. "Of course not," he spat. "Do you think you can erase years of mutual hatred with a simple handshake? You're even simpler than I thought, and that is saying quite a lot." 

"Severus, I urge you to accept his proposal," Dumbledore said gently. 

"Oh, sod off, you interfering old bat," Snape snapped. 

Sirius looked crestfallen, but brightened up. "Well, we could do the whole love-hate, lust but not love thing." 

Severus blinked. "Black, I would rather kiss Hagrid's latest creature." 

Sirius grinned cockily at him. "You'll come around in the end. Ha, ha, no pun intended." 

"Headmaster, I need to speak to you alone. Now." _'Before I strangle this idiot,'_ he added mentally. 

Black sniffed. "I can tell when I'm not wanted." 

"No, Black, you can't. If you could, you wouldn't have hit on Narcissa in our fourth year." 

"Good night, Headmaster," Black said respectfully. He winked and brushed past Severus on his way out. 

"I despise that man," Severus said, throwing himself into a chair in front of the desk. 

"So I've noticed," Dumbledore said, eyes twinkling. "Still, Severus...Sirius is trying to move on. At least give him a chance." 

"With all due respect, Headmaster, the only reason Black wants to "move on" is so he can move onto my trousers." 

Dumbledore turned a bit red. "Are you all right?" he asked, changing the subject. 

"Yes, yes, I'm fine." 

Dumbledore looked doubtful. "You said that last time after you suffered the Crutacius curse four times in a row." 

Severus sighed. "I am feeling perfectly well, Albus. The most unpleasant thing that has happened to me this evening was encountering Black. I am in no danger of suddenly dying from the side effects of any curse, unless you count the possibility of getting hepatitis from Voldemort's unwashed robes." 

"I believe you, Severus," Dumbedore said calmly. "What happened tonight?" 

Severus recited the important details of the meeting, opting to leave out Voldemort's love letter and everyone hitting on him. 

Dumbledore stroked his beard thoughtfully (the beard was quite long, so this took a while). "As always, your information will help The Cause greatly." 

Severus winced at the capital letters. _'Oh, no problem. Really. I enjoy this sort of thing.'_ "I am glad to offer my services." 

"You look tired, Severus," Dumbledore said with a smile. "Go to sleep." 

"Perhaps I shall. Goodnight, Albus." 

Dumbledore looked miffed as Severus stood up and went to the door. "You could sleep here tonight," he offered. 

"I think I'll be able to make it to my rooms." Severus left quickly, closing the door behind him. 

Dumbledore sighed. _'I had the twister game all ready too...'_

__

__Severus tapped his foot impatiently as the staircase slowly brought him down to the hallway. When the staircase reached the ground, Severus burst out of the doorway and strode down the hall towards his dungeons, his cloak flowing impressively behind him as he walked. Suddenly, a dark figure jumped out of the shadows and grabbed him, covering Severus' mouth and dragging him behind a statue. 

"Surprise!!" Black said cheerfully. "Ready to snog now?" 

Severus fingered his wand (his real one, you perverts). "Black, if you don't let go of me right now..." he said through gritted teeth. 

"I know the fun is in the chase," Black purred into Severus' ear, "but I'm getting tired of all this waiting." 

Severus' patience snapped. "Expelliarmus!" he said, perhaps a bit too forcibly. Black was thrown against the wall, and he slumped to the ground. 

"So you like it rough..." Sirius muttered before he lost consciousness. 

_'That felt good,'_ Severus thought gleefully. A thought hit him, and he smirked. _'Just like old times.'_ He transformed Black's hair to a long, blonde mane, and his black robes into a silky pink dress (complete with matching heels, of course). Another wave of his wand painted Black's face with bright red lipstick and long fake eyelashes. "Pink is definitely your color, Black," Severus muttered sarcastically, regretting that no one was around to witness this. Stepping back, Severus took one last look at Black and then summoned a house elf. 

Dobby appeared with a loud pop. "Yes, mister Snape?" 

"Dobby," Severus said smoothly, "I was patrolling the hallway and I found Mister Black just lying here. I was wondering if you would do me the favor of taking him to Mister Lupin's home tonight." 

"Oh, no, is not Mister Black. Dobby knows Mister Black." Dobby looked closely at the figured and screamed. "Is Mister Black!!" 

"Yes, Dobby, is Mister Black. That's what I just said," Severus said impatiently. "Now, will you please take him to Lupin?" 

Dobby nodded fearfully. "Yes, Mister Severus." 

"Excellent." With a self satisfied smile on his lips, Severus strode down to the dungeons. 

He reached the hall outside his quarters with no further trouble. Thanking whatever god might be watching over him, he walked to his door. 

"Ow!" he cursed as he tripped over an unseen object. Lightning quick, he reached down and pulled an invisibility cloak off a small, hunched figure. 

"Potter," Severus said coldly. Potter blinked owlishly at him and stood up. "Once again, my worst fears about you are confirmed. Out of all the students in the entire school, you are the one who has to own an Invisibility Cloak." 

"Dumbledore gave it to me," Harry said defensively. 

"Nobody's perfect. Except for me," he added as an afterthought. 

"Professor, what are you going to do with me?" 

Severus sighed and looked at the cloak in his hands. "The one time I catch you, I'm too tired to care," he muttered. He threw the cloak back at Potter. "If I _ever_ catch you using this again, a year with Argus Filch in a Spanish Inquisition torture chamber will seem like heaven." 

Potter swallowed. "You-you aren't going to give me detention? Stand over me triumphantly while I scrub floors on my knees all night?" 

"That is the most unappealing erotic suggestion today," Severus said, looking ill. "I would rather be Voldemort's sex slave, Potter." 

"I thought you already were," Harry said nastily. 

"Don't push your luck, boy. Go before I turn you into something unpleasant. Well, something even more unpleasant." 

"See you in class, Sev." Potter winked then threw the cloak over himself and disappeared. 

"Stupid children," Severus muttered at he disabled the charms and hexes surrounding his room. Relieved to be in his own quarters, he quickly opened the door and closed it behind him. 

"Holy shit!" he yelled. Hermione Granger was draped across his desk, looking at him seductively (well, she was making an attempt). She was only wearing a thin, cotton nightgown. 

Severus whipped out his wand, quivering with- 

"Enough with the innuendo already." 

-rage. 

"Thank you. Now, as for you Miss Granger...." 

Hermioned batted her eyelashes. "Yes, my sexy potions master?" 

"Get out," he said shortly. 

"What?" Hermione looked shocked. "Don't you even want to know how I got in?" 

"No, my dear child, I already know how. Narrative causality. Get. Out." 

Hermione pouted prettily. "Come on Sevvie, you don't _really_ want me to leave, do you? I hoped we could talk about some...extra curricular assignments." 

A muscle in Severus' cheek twitched. "If you do not get out of this room RIGHT NOW I am going to expel you so fast the ink on the conciliatory letter to your parents won't even have time to dry." 

Hermioned threw herself off the desk and ran through the door, shooting him a frightened look as she ran by. Severus glared at the open doorway and, satisfied she wasn't coming back, stalked over and slammed it as hard as he could. He then walked over to the bedroom door and opened it slowly, peeking inside. To his relief, no one was lying in wait to shag him senseless. He stepped inside and firmly closed the door, using the most complex locking charm he could think of. Severus muttered a spell and the fireplace was instantly lit. The clock chimed two. 

"He's back!" Draco Malfoy yelled to the small crowd collected in his dormitory. Like a group of buffalo (except considerably more intelligent and with much better fashion sense), the Slytherins immediately ran over to where Draco was standing in front of a large projection on the gray stone wall. 

"Good thing we put that spell in Snape's room, right Draco?" Goyle asked proudly. 

"Who knew it would be this useful?" Pansy said with a smirk. 

"Shut up!" Draco commanded. "He's about to strip and I want to watch." 

The group grew silent, except for the occasional mutter of protest as they jockeyed for better position in front of the projection of Severus' bedroom. 

Severus sighed. It had been one of the longest days of his life, and he was ready to go to sleep and never wake up again. A slight pressure on the inside pocket of his robes reminded him of the presence of Voldemort's letter. He reached inside and took it out, throwing it onto the nearby desk, then tossed his wand onto the bed. 

"Take it off already!" Blaise Zabini yelled. 

His eyelids half closed with lethargy, Severus bent over and pulled off his dragon hide boots. 

Someone whistled. "Nice view!" 

He pulled off his socks and stuffed them into his boots. Severus straightened up and unclasped his cloak, letting it fall to the floor below him. 

"Now this is more like it!" Draco muttered. "Give these people their money's worth." 

Severus began unbuttoning his robes. He had to work slowly because he was half asleep. 

Draco didn't turn around as Crabbe and Goyle hit the floor with a loud thump. Severus had gotten about halfway down his outer robe, and it parted to reveal a thin, silk, form fitting (black of course) inner robe. 

Severus finished the buttons on his outer robes and slowly removed one arm from it's sleeve, then another. 

There were two more thumps in the back of the room. Pansy swooned and had to be supported by Blaise next to her. 

Severus raised his arms and stretched in a manner reminiscent of a cat, yawning. 

Blaise let go of Pansy as the blonde fainted and slumped to the floor. 

"Take me now, you beast!" Someone screamed next to Draco. 

"Let's hope he's a traditionalist who doesn't wear anything under the robes," Blaise muttered to the person next to her. 

"I hope so," her neighbor said fervently. "I'm not sure I can take much more of this." 

Severus ever so slowly lifted the robe over his head. A pair of muscled calves came into view, then his thighs... 

Thump! 

...a pair of loose, black silk boxers... 

Draco's mouth fell open. "Gaaah..." he choked out, totally speechless. 

A few more Slytherins succumbed to blissful unconsciousness. 

...a smooth, muscular stomach, probably from leaning over cauldrons all day... 

Draco thanked whatever god had been listening to his prayers. 

...firm pectorals and broad shoulders... 

Blaise, conditioned from watching the Slytherin Quidditch team in the shower, was overloaded by the onslaught of sexiness and fainted. 

...strong, wiry arms with defined biceps... 

Severus pulled the robe over his head and tossed it in the corner, blissfully unaware that he had just caused more people to faint than the time Draco Malfoy covered himself in honey and streaked through the Great Hall. He padded over to the bed and grabbed his wand, extinguishing the fireplace. After carefully placing his wand under the pillow, Severus collapsed onto the bed and drifted into a dreamless sleep. 

Draco panted as he stared at the black screen. A beat of sweat slid down his face and dripped off his chin. Around him, Slytherins were lying in various states of unconsciousness. 

"Finite Incantem," Draco muttered, and the screen disappeared. He looked around, a satisfied smile on his face. 

"Now _that_ was a show." 


End file.
